Truth of the matter is...People leave churches every day. Even when they've been attending that church for years or even decades. But for some reason–a time comes when they decide they need to go somewhere else. Some of those reasons are good. Some of those reasons are bad. The purpose of today's blog post is not to debate the reasons–but rather to talk about the way that you leave a church.
But before I share some ideas on how to leave a church, let me give you some very unscientific stats on how most people leave churches:
Group A: 25% leave kicking and screaming. They talk about everything they hate, how shallow the sermons are and that they want something deeper, why the kids program didn't help and how the music is too loud or too traditional or too something else. And, what's funny is they say, "You'd be shocked by how many people agree with me, but everyone else is just too scared to speak their mind." "There are alot of people who feel this way...just ask around."
Group B: 74% say nothing. They just disappear. They just stop showing up to their ministry roles and they stop attending. If you look for it you might see a comment on Twitter or their Facebook...but most of the time you hear nothing. Something happened and they became less enthused about the future. Or perhaps they moved into a new phase of life and the church just wasn't working for them anymore. Either way, at some point when you are walking through the hall at church and you think, "I don't think I've seen So & So recently." You soon realize they quietly slipped away.
You might think Group A is bigger than 25%. But it's just because they have VERY loud mouths. They get people worked up and talk to everyone, so it seems like the whole church is upset when it is really just a few.
You might also think that Group B chose the right way to leave a church. But truthfully, slipping away quietly can be just as painful for the pastor or leaders of the church (especially when you've told them you were with them. That you were behind them.) as those who leave loudly.
So if you are thinking of leaving your church...take it from someone who's seen both groups of people leave churches that I've been a part of for over a decade now...here's how I would do it.
- I would write a letter to the pastors and leaders. In this letter, I would talk about the way God had changed my life through the ministry of that church. I would talk about how some of my family members met Christ there, were baptized, served together in a ministry and more. I would talk about how my own thoughts and beliefs were formed through my years at the church. I would talk about how I am more like Christ because of my time there. I would tell stories of specific retreats or camps or services where my life (or those of my family) was changed because of the church and its leaders.
- In this letter, I would not gripe or complain. I would not talk about the stuff I don't like or decisions with which I disagree.
- In a short paragraph, I would say that "my wife and I have decided to attend and serve in a different church for this next season of our spiritual growth."
- I would end the letter by assuring the pastor that he/she will never hear us talk badly about this church. I would encourage the pastor to feel free to share this letter with anyone who questions why we left.
- THEN, and this is most important, I would not mail this letter. Rather, I would set an appointment with the pastor and I would hand-deliver the letter. I would read it aloud to him–or ask him to read it in my presence. I would re-state my love for him and profound thanks for the ministry he had in my life.
- Then I would walk away and keep my promise. I would never speak negatively to anyone about that church. In fact, when people asked, I would say, "God changed my life at that church!"
You might have noticed that my percentages for Group A and B above only added up to 99%. That's because I think only 1% leave a church in the way I've suggested. In all actuality it's less than that...probably more like .00001%. In my time as a lead pastor I've only had a few families that have left NewLife in this way. The way that they left marked me.
If I ever have to leave a church, I want to leave like they did.
